The World Test Championship final between South Africa and Australia began with Ravi Shastri overseeing the toss in usual understated fashion, his demonstrative antics forcing South African captain Temba Bavuma to land the coin well outside the big blue circle toss zone.
Australia on top early? Well, no, as it turned out.
Here’s the report card for the World Test Championship final.
The C Word
Grade: C-
Tensions heading into the match were high. South African quick Kagiso Rabada, who was suspended from the IPL for a month after taking cocaine, expressed concerns prior to the match that the Australians would give him a sledge for his snow holiday.
He warned Pat Cummins’ men that he’d be pretty upset if that happened.
Great stuff from Rabada to just outright invent a future sledging incident and preemptively take grave offence at it.
“This is appalling behaviour (that I’ve just imagined). Absolutely disgusting to think that a team might (perhaps) sink so low. Shameful stuff (that I’ve attributed to them). Once again (possibly), the ugly Aussies have shown their true colours (assuming they do so).”
And yet, it worked. For after Bavuma sent the Australians in to bat under overcast skies. Rabada summoned the memory of that gravely offensive imaginary Australian sledging, found a great line and mustered a five-wicket haul, as Australia were knocked over for just 212.
Apparently, nobody had explained to South Africa quite how important a cricket match they were playing in. And so, instead of doing that thing they do, these oblivious fools were bowling and fielding like geniuses.
Point Break
Grade: A+
The key wicket was Steve Smith, batting imperiously. But just as he looked locked on for a ton, Bavuma summoned Aiden Markram, a man with three Test wickets to his name, to the crease for a change-of-ends over.
Markram responded by dismissing Smith 34 runs short of his predestined century. We call that a wicket, Aiden.
Of course, the great thing about Markram is that he turns it both ways. Or, at least, his name does.
Defending 212, Cummins led the way for Australia. His best wicket was when he had Kyle Verreynne trapped LBW, with one that jagged back and appeared to the naked eye as if it was missing leg stump.
Fortunately for Australia, the fully clothed eyes of the ball projection suggested the ball was instead crashing into leg stump. Although, to be fair, it may have mistaken that collision with the one in the middle of the pitch when Cummins’ backwards-running appeal banged into Verreynne’s ball-watching leg bye, sending both players tumbling entangled to the ground like that hot love scene near the end of Point Break where Bodhi and Johnny Utah leap out of a plane together.
After that re-enactment, Cummins then ripped through the rest of the Proteas too. He finished with 6/28, and nabbed his 300th wicket, as South Africa lost 5/12 to be 138 all out.
5/12 is a great ‘hold my beer’ collapse from the South African tail, after the Australian tail’s 5/20 effort. Why the two tails are drinking beer in the first place remains a mystery, however.
Although I guess it explains the collapses.
Pat Cummins bowls Wiaan Mulder on day one of the World Test Championship Final. (Photo by Ben Whitley/PA Images via Getty Images)
Shandies
Grade: C
Wanting to get in on all this beer-holding action, however, was the Australian top order. And so, after Usman Khawaja and Marnus Labuschagne put on 28 for the first wicket, they lost 5/36 in their second innings.
It’s no 5/12, but these are supposed to be the proper batters, so it’s definitely a good beer-holding attempt. Let’s just say they were holding somebody’s shandy.
For good measure, they also lost another wicket, and were 6/66, just 140 ahead, when Travis Head was bowled by Wiann Mulder.
This brought Cummins to the crease, approximately 24 hours before any Australian fan wanted to see him again, to once again save the day with the bat as well.
Except no! Cummins was also out cheaply, bowled by Lungi Ngidi, as Australia fell to 7/73.
Perhaps Cummins’ counter-attacking five-ball knock of six was meant to be a tribute to his haul of six wickets, taken just a session ago, you idiot batters!
Cummins’ wicket saw Mitchell Starc enter, and he weighed up the prospect of Marnus saving his career by top-scoring in this diabolical innings and made a simple pact: ‘not on my watch’.
Aiden Markram
Grade: D? A? R.G.
After the clitter-clatter of wickets on the first two days, the third day began in comical fashion with Starc and Josh Hazlewood putting on a half-century last-wicket partnership, setting a target of 282 for victory.
Great stuff. Although, eyes opened to this possibility, Markram and Bavuma then batted like some kind of Starc-Hazlewood duo to see South Africa to stumps on the third day two wickets down and 69 short of victory, thanks to an undefeated, chanceless 143-run partnership.
And, by ‘chanceless’, I mean, of course, they offered one (1) chance, when Bavuma edged Starc through to Smith at silly first slip, the ball crashing into Smith’s finger, compound dislocating it.
Steve Smith leaves the field injured during day three of the World Test Championship Final. (Photo by Ben Whitley/PA Images via Getty Images)
Disappointingly for Bavuma, Smith was in sufficient agony and whisked off the field so quickly that the South African captain didn’t even get an opportunity to drop a sly ‘You’ve just compound dislocated the World Test Championship mace’ at him.
Annoyed with missing out on channelling one classic Steve Waugh moment, Bavuma manufactured another one. He tore a hamstring while taking a run and spent most of his innings hobbling about on one leg in obvious pain, yet unable to be dismissed.
However, he failed to bring up a century with a staggering, diving, stumbling effort that saw him planted face-first at the non-striker’s end, comically raising his bat to the crowd.
Instead, it was Markram who brought up a reprehensibly upright century shortly before stumps, finishing the day on 102*.
But did he bring up his ton with a four from the last ball of the day to save his career from the imminent axe of head selector Trevor Hohns? No. Why, it’s like these South Africans have forgotten about the entirety of Steve Waugh’s playing career. I suppose you can’t really blame them.
Markram’s hundred brought about palindromic cries of disbelief:
“Huh. Not a Markram, A ton? Huh.”
Because, I mean, yes, the longer South Africa left it, of course, the funnier it would be. So, this was all good on that level.
But there was now a massive risk of them not messing this up at all.
New C Words
Grade: C+
Of course they didn’t. Yes, there were a few minor jump scares on the fourth day, but there was never really any chance of Australia taking the required eight wickets in time. Frankly, I blame Starc and Hazlewood for not adding 80 more runs.
Regardless, well played to South Africa. Their new C-word is champions. Magnificently, they plan to celebrate their new Test supremacy by not playing the format for the foreseeable future, mucking about instead in the forms of the game in which they can’t win a trophy.
And well played to Australia, too, who have saved international Test cricket with this defeat, thereby laying the groundwork for many more future victories.
Great forward planning from Cummins, once again thinking of the generations to follow.
