“Remember that old Plymouth we just couldn’t fix,” said the mechanic to his dopey sidekick in the classic Simpsons episode when Homer needed heart surgery.
The Wests Tigers have become that old Plymouth in the NRL.
And they can’t be sold off to the unsuspecting Mr Nikapopolus, as per dull boy Billy’s response to the mechanic.
It will soon be 14 straight years of missing the playoffs – it’s not 100% locked in that this season will be another failure but after losing six straight to sink to 14th spot, just two points clear of last-placed Gold Coast, it would take more than Dr Nick Riviera’s luck at the operating table to revive their finals campaign.
In that time they have churned through coaches, CEOs, unstable boardrooms and a multitude of players – many paid well over market value to come to the club or resist the overwhelming temptation to leave.
All the while there was no clear direction or apparent strategy apart from the same rinse and repeat cycle of overpaying recruits, getting disappointed, blaming the coach and starting all over again.
Nobody trusted anyone else as factionalism from the Wests and Balmain sides of the disjointed venture continued to tear the club apart from within, yet again proving the old adage of winning starts in the front office.
The club claimed to be on the verge of a new era last year after the board was summarily dismissed and Shane Richardson was parachuted in to clean up the stinking, heaving mess.
Club legend Benji Marshall would be kicking off a new era of accountability as the Tigers rebuilt their team on the back of sensible acquisitions and their huge reservoir of talent in south-western Sydney.
Halfway through the season and the two blue-chip local prospects in their squad have made an abrupt departure with hooker Tallyn Da Silva inking a long-term deal with the Eels on Monday just weeks after Lachie Galvin engineered a release to join the Bulldogs.
Players leaving clubs mid-season or before the end of their contract happens all throughout the NRL but you could certainly end a playoff drought and possibly challenge for a title with the ex-Tigers who are playing elsewhere in the competition.
1 James Tedesco
2 Ryan Papenhuyzen
3 Tommy Talau
4 Luke Garner
5 Josh Addo-Carr
6 Lachie Galvin
7 Mitchell Moses
8 Stefano Utoikamanu
9 Tallyn Da Silva
10 Isaiah Papali’i
11 Shawn Blore
12 Luciano Leilua
13 Josh Aloiai
14 Luke Brooks
15 Kelma Tuilagi
16 Jacob Liddle
17 John Bateman
As for their off-season recruits, Terrell May has been a revelation up front after the Roosters surprisingly let him go while Jarome Luai and Sunia Turuva have added touches of class in the back but these three can’t turn around a team on their own.
Royce Hunt has ended up in the NSW Cup and Jack Bird has just managed to avoid the same fate, used primarily as a bench utility, six times with less than half a match of game time.
The combined loss of Galvin and Da Silva will not make much of an impact when it comes to freeing up salary cap space but the overall deficit in terms of a decade-plus each in a Wests Tigers jersey is incalculable.
In yet another example of the Tigers being unable to get out of their own way, Marshall and Richardson opted for the short-term option in standing by Koroisau rather than promising Da Silva that he would be his successor.
Lachlan Galvin. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
Koroisau will be 34 when his contract runs out at the end of next year and is no longer the Origin standard hooker that he was a couple of seasons ago. And never will be again.
Da Silva has the potential to be just that and it would be the most Tigers thing ever if he ends up a rep star at another club, just like Moses, Tedesco, Ryan Papenhuyzen (would have been if not for injuries) and Josh Addo-Carr.
Marshall is under contract until the end of 2027 as part of a five-year deal which was supposed to kick off with a couple of seasons learning under his 2005 premiership-winning mentor Tim Sheens before taking the reins.
Sheens lasted less than a season in his second stint at the club before the deal was torn to shreds with Marshall taking over early and his relationship with his former protege is now at a point where they are reportedly no longer on speaking terms.
The familiar refrain of “where to now?” is being asked in and around TigerTown.
Marshall’s position is safe for now but coaches with two straight wooden spoons on their resume rarely last long enough for the third one to be used to smack them to the kerb.
Luai has a get-out clause in his multimillion-dollar contract that enables him to become a free agent in November to exit at the end of next season if he so desires.
He hasn’t ever closed that door to commit himself long term to the club and perhaps that partially explains why he was so empathetic towards Da Silva when asked on Monday about his mid-season switch.
Tigers players look dejected. (Photo by Mike Owen/Getty Images)
“It’s understandable for a guy that is behind Api. It’s a tricky one. Everyone is entitled to that opinion, what they want and what they are chasing. All the best to him. I think he will get more opportunity at Parramatta anyway.”
The worst option Wests could now take would be to throw big contracts at free agents who are unlikely to want to join them.
Their only hope of sustained success is twofold – investing in their junior nursery and making the senior club not a total basket case so that Campbelltown products like Galvin and Da Silva don’t jump ship at the earliest opportunity.
Even though the Tigers are only four points off eighth spot, their playoff aspirations are fanciful at best.
They would have to win eight of their remaining nine fixtures on a schedule which includes the Roosters, Warriors, Panthers, Bulldogs and Raiders, and only two games when they have a home-ground advantage.
It would require an epic revival of 2005 proportions when they came from 12th in Round 15 to go all the way in one of the most improbable hot streaks in Australian sporting history, let alone just the NRL.
Tigers fans are going to keep hearing a horrible, irregular thumping noise of mediocrity for at least another 12 months before there’s any tangible signs of improvement.
