“I am not talking to anyone in the British media. They are all pricks”.

Never was a truer word spoken by Allan Border, or anyone for that matter.

One can only imagine how Captain Grumpy would describe Sir Clive Woodward, arguably the biggest phallus of them all.

After all, Woodward was a man knighted due to his ability to dine out unrelentingly on the leadership of England’s greatest side by Martin Johnson- a legend who, like many Lions these days, learned to play Rugby in New Zealand anyway.

But I digress.

Woodward’s attack on Harry Wilson was way off. There was no good reason to keep the ball in play behind your try line when down by eight after the siren. It was the first Test in a series after all. It showed sense, not defeatism, to kick a ball out when already defeated.

That said, it is not unreasonable to argue that this Wallaby team is way too nice.

Some may say that’s subjective or unfair but it is no such thing.

The looks on the faces of the Wallabies from before the kick off and throughout the game said it all. Whereas the Lions were confident and assured, the Wallabies were nervous and burdened with doubt that they belonged on the same field, in the same contest. “Relief at a bonus point loss” did not appear a million miles off as they mingled with the Lions after the game.

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA – JULY 19: Tom Curry of British and Irish Lions gives away a penalty for tackling Tom Lynagh of Australia in the air during the 1st Test Match between Australia Wallabies and British & Irish Lions at Suncorp Stadium on July 19, 2025 in Brisbane, Australia. (Photo by David Rogers/Getty Images)

Many people will have forgotten but the Australian sporting landscape was arguably changed in 1985 when our cricketers were humiliated in England.

At the time, in the wake of back slaps and smiles all round after a defeat, Ian Chappell supposedly said to Border “AB, these blokes are belting the hell out of you, but you’re out there being their best mate, for Christ’s sake.”

Sound familiar?

The thing is, these Lions aren’t that good. They are flat track bullies who struggled to put us away on Saturday.

It’s a Lions side built around players who don’t like it when their cushy little world is ruffled. We saw that in Dublin and London last year. We saw it in South Africa four years ago.

So tell me this: why and how did the Wallabies allow Tom Curry to batter little Turbo Lynagh all night long without so much as a ‘how’s your mother?’

After all, I thought our new 6 was a ‘psycho’?

Lynagh was lined up all night long, deliberately so and the Wallabies just appeared to accept it, to look the other way.

Can anyone seriously imagine Eben Etzebeth giggling or looking the other way and just accepting Tom Curry having his way with a Springbok fly-half?

I don’t ever recall Peter O’Mahony or Paul O’Connell meekly accepting those sorts of hits on Sexton. Jonny Wilkinson had Lawrence Dallaglio and Martin Johnson himself guarding his blind spots.

To be clear, I’m not advocating that we ‘bring back the biff’ but I am reminded of another famous outburst from Allan Border when English batsman Robin Smith asked play to be paused for a glass of water during the 1989 Ashes series:

“What do you think this is, a f–king tea party? No you can’t have a f–king glass of water, you can f–king wait like the rest of us.”

When the Wallabies take on the Lions in Melbourne, they not only have to win at the gain line but they need to make that test an ordeal for their opposition. Make it an unpleasant and uncomfortable experience. A confrontation.

Get grumpy.