One of the facts of life that we all have to face is that the Brumbies are better than the Waratahs. Usually when you make a statement like that, you’re talking about the state of things in the present moment, but the Brumbies have been better than the Waratahs for so long that it’s attained the status of a natural law.

Death, taxes and the Brumbies being better than the Waratahs – these are the three certainties. Archaeologists working on the site of the ancient Assyrian city of Nineveh have uncovered cuneiform tablets recording the fact that the Brumbies are better than the Waratahs. Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider smash particles into each other at unimaginable speeds in order to recreate the conditions at the point when the Brumbies first started being better than the Waratahs. I’ve got more if you want them.

But can this unshakeable law ever be reversed? Is it possible for the Waratahs to beat the Brumbies, and if they do will it usher in a thousand years of darkness? Although evidence both old and new suggests not, I believe that if everything goes right, they just might do it. I certainly hope they do – as a proud, passionate New South Welshperson, I carry in my heart a vague awareness of the Tahs – but I reckon there are a few crucial aspects of the game they need to nail in order to take the points on Saturday night.

So what do the Waratahs have to do in order to achieve the rugby equivalent of cold fusion?

FIRST, they must FIRE UP TUPOU. Everybody would agree that Taniela Tupou at his best is like that one kid you played against in Under-10s, the one who was twice the size of everyone else and would scatter defenders like bowling pins every time he got the ball, and after the game would light up a smoke and drive his kids home.

On the other hand, everybody would also agree that Taniela Tupou at his best is essentially a cryptid: you can find people who claim to have seen it, but their accounts sound unlikely and unreliable. To beat the Brumbies, though, the Tahs need the bunyip to emerge from the billabong: they need Tupou not just splitting Brumbies scrums asunder, but also tucking the ball under his arm and making charge after buffalo-like charge into the teeth of the defence, laying the opposition flat on their backs and regretting their decision to attempt the tackle.

In short, they need to light Tupou’s fuse and stand back. Easier said than done, obviously: just how to get Tupou’s juices flowing has been a conundrum for years. But however he does it – promise him a trip to Luna Park if they win, put itching powder in his underpants, tell him that the Brumbies tight five is primarily responsible for the acceleration of catastrophic climate change – Dan McKellar has to find a way to make Nela cry havoc.

(Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)

SECOND, they must GIVE THE BALL TO JOSEPH. Humility is an underrated quality in rugby players – while confidence is often lauded as the most desirable trait, a willingness to admit one’s flaws can sometimes be even more important. For the Waratahs it is invaluable, because only by admitting that they are nowhere near as good as Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii can they unleash their full potential. Remember that little boy who wrote to the All Blacks to say, “remember rugby is a team game – all 14 of you pass the ball to Jonah”? That’s the spirit the Waratahs need to tap into. I’m not suggesting for a moment that Jonah Lomu was anywhere near as good a player as Suaalii, but the principle is the same. Every time a Waratah player gets the ball, he should look around to see where the golden boy is. If he’s within passing distance, give it to him. It’s their only hope.

THIRD, they must GIVE THE BALL TO NOAH. You can’t win a game of rugby without an effective tactical kicking game, and the most important tactic for NSW this weekend is to make sure every kick goes straight to Noah Lolesio. The man who 98% of Australian rugby fans recently voted “most likely to offend God” will undoubtedly then knock it on or kick it out on the full or just generally be uninspiring, and the Waratahs can seize on his inferiority by taking the ball back and giving it to Suaalii.

(Photo by Albert Perez/Getty Images)

FOURTH, they must DEFEND MAULS. One of the biggest mistakes the Waratahs forwards made last weekend was swearing a pact before the game that if the Reds formed a maul, they would all band together to get out of the way. This weekend, it’s important that they recognise this was a miscalculation, and if the Brumbies at any time form a maul, the Tah pack should try as hard as possible to get IN the way.

Many experts believe that the difference between standing between an opposition maul and your own goal-line, and standing a respectful distance away making notes, can be the difference between successfully defending a maul and looking like a bunch of complete knob-ends. These are the experts the Tahs should probably listen to.

FIFTH, they must UNLEASH THE GINGER. At time of writing I do not know whether Tane Edmed will start the game against the Brumbies or not. But if he doesn’t, hopefully it will just be a classic bit of McKellar misdirection, and Edmed will take the field within the first ten minutes. To pull off a miracle, a team needs a miraculous player in the driver’s seat, and Tane, with his unique combination of brains, instinct, twinkling toes and adorable sweaty face, is as miraculous as they come. How he works his wonders is a mystery, but in Tane we trust. Moreover, he’s the perfect man to pull off the other vital aspects of the game plan: throwing the ball to Suaalii and making Tupou angry.

Photo: Rugby Australia

SIXTH, they must GET THE BRUMBIES CARDED. A 14-man team is a little easier to play against. A ten-man team, even easier. The risk of cards is ever-present in the modern game, and the Waratahs need to weaponise this. Every player, assuming he has not been able to pass to Suaalii first, must ensure that he is tackled high at every opportunity. Duck into tackles, dive at opposition arms, roll around on the ground screaming like Neymar if anyone touches you: whatever it takes. Against 15 Brumbies victory will be almost impossible: against 12 or fewer, you never know.

SEVENTH, they must GAIN THE FAVOUR OF THE GODS. I am by no means certain what the one true faith is, but by Saturday night the Waratahs had better have figured it out and made the appropriate burnt offerings to ensure divine favour.

If all these pieces fall into place, then I give the Waratahs at least a 40 percent chance. Go Tahs!